The Would-Be Writer

Something happened today. A sort of good thing, and when I hung up the phone, my instant reaction was to pick up my phone and make a call. I wanted to tell my person the news. But in a flash I realized that I couldn’t because I didn’t have him anymore. How pathetic? Right? So I did the next possible thing I could think of, which was to call my best friend and tell her. It made me extremely wretched to think how close I had come to actually making the call. Its funny isn’t it one minute there is a person in your life you tell everything to. The next that person has completely disappeared for you. How funny life is… funnier still are emotions. I suddenly had an image of a black ground, with slight fog lower to the ground. This image quite possibly could be the graveyard of memories I have. I will slowly, one by one, have to bury them all. This one particular graveyard will be large. It might possibly be the largest yet. It might possibly be the most visited. Where in my quite mome...

My maternal grandmother, once took a thread. Then she proceeded to knot it. After which she told me I need to detangle it. After I detangled it, which by the way was not that easy, she told me that is how easy it is for life to get tangled. I was pretty young at that time I did not understand what she meant. However, she went on to say, anything problem can be resolved. Provided you want it badly enough. At that time, I didn’t really pay attention to what she said. However, today, all of a sudden I remembered this story again. I was wondering about how things in life get messed up. Situations which makes you think that everything has come to an end. It might not sound like there are a few things which can be looked at and fixed. There are things which might not be solvable, but some things are worth working hard for. That is how I have always thought. Fighting for what you think you have no blood left inside your body. The wounds on your body, your heart and your mind might make...

Ever been someone who is in love with words, yet unable to use them/ I sit here in my room, wondering what to do with these words of mine. They seem to ebb and flow. Like the way ocean waves ebb and flow. There might be scientific reasons to the ebb and flow of the ocean. There is rather not a simple reason for the ebb and flow of my words. My words used to flow. Like the crashing waves of the ocean. I had my rock. That is what I thought, however, my rock turned into sand. There was no flow and crashing of words against my rock anymore. Every time I tried flowing, sand would make space for me and wash away. My words felt useless. There was no one to hear my words. There is a problem that I have, it consists of me wanting to embrace a person so tight when I think they are in pain. This is regardless to whatever hurt I have suffered at the hands of the person in question. How unfair is this. I sometimes want to run away from all these feelings inside of me. The ones I can’t put an...

It has been exactly a week since the world around me turned to dust. There are so many things that I have unable been able to do. For instance, trying to exercise has become excruciating. For instance talking to other people has become a burden. A huge one at that. There is no one I want to talk to. What does one do when they thought one thing about a person, and it turned out to be completely wrong? I sit awake tonight and all I can think about is what to do now. Is it so easy to move one from someone you were going to wake up next to for the rest of your life? Moving on is still a phenomenon which is alien to me. I refuse to let the other person think I’m pining away for them. When they didn’t want to be with me, why should I give them the benefit of thinking that I do. This is just a rant, like mentioned several times, through several posts of mine. Let me tell you guys a secret. Any girl who knows what she wants, will seem to be strong and ballsy. She will still know when to...

People surprise you. That is one true constant fact that I have found out through the many years of my life, 30 to be exact. By the way I love knowing that I am 30 now. The feeling of being at an age where most things start to make sense is a good place to be. Penning down my thoughts has always been a thing for me. When my mind can’t stop speaking or running at a fast neck speed, I write. I haven’t written in sometime though. Because I seem to have found another canvas to paint with my thoughts and my words. And what a canvas this has been, it’s got new pages, there are some colors which turn out one way on it, and there are areas of that canvas I haven’t even gotten to yet. But since the time this canvas has come into my life, there is always something new to paint on it. I am a completely word person, well a word person which needs to be shown through actions what the words actually mean. I was once told, by a very close friend that there are probably very few people in thi...

To all the guys out there who pushed me down, I got up. To all the boys who broke my trust, I still kept my faith. To all the guys who didn’t look back, I moved on. To each and everyone of you who thought I’d break down, I stood up and fought.  You might think or probably not think about how much of an impact your words make. You all might not know the strength it takes to hold on. Or you might not realise the bits and pieces that I pick up time and time again.  Believe me when I say that all of that just builds me up. Time and time again I realise my strength. I find what I’m made of. I understand a new part of me I didn’t know existed. There are so many of these small storied, encounters that just chip away at my faith in humanity.  Time and time again I wonder if it is all worth it. The pain, the tears, and the sorrow. And then I realise that I am a fighter. I always choose the fight out of fight or flight. Life may just not be ready to give me what I want. Or probably...

The night in the shining armor is a lie. You might find him, you might think that the words coming out of his mouth are the truth. But don’t you go being fooled by him and his honey like tongue. While all the stories are of the knight in shining armor, rescuing the princess, there is no truth in that tale. My dear readers, let me recap and tell you of a tale. This tale is an old one, the princess fell in love with the knight in shining armor. He came riding on his white tall stallion, his words were sweet as honey, his smile enchanting as the old wives’ magic. It captured my heart, it stole my breath away and took me on a ride on his strong stallion. But what I didn’t know is the pain that came with riding on that horse. Ever gone to the gym, and tried out every machine available there. While working out, you don’t feel the pain in your muscles. But the next day, you will realize the pain you put your body through. You won’t be able to move. Your breath will catch every time a s...

Hello dear readers. Hope you are all doing good. I have a decision to make, a conundrum if you might. And I would like your help with it . Now you might ask me what is it with this conundrum, which makes it especially tough to handle on my own. Well let me tell you a little story. I have a bad habit of looking for the good in people. Even if they don’t have any. To which you might question, if I know I have this problem, why do I not go and fix it. Well to that my response would be because I’m stupid. Or might be possible that I am just well no other word than delusional. Alright let’s strap our boots and get into it.  So yes, the conundrum I’m in is that I would like to have this person in my life. As we were friends, or so I thought. Please note here dear readers, that I refer to myself as delusional. So yes, we were friends, however, as per this person, it is alright to discuss me with anyone other than with me. Now let me ask you this, is this right or...

Isn’t life a funny thing, when you have it isn’t valued much. But when you don’t have it, well can’t really speak for the dead. Who knows how much fun they are having. But hang in there with me, while I explain to you why I am talking about it. Currently my grandmother is not well. She has many problems which have now caused her to become bed ridden. She isn’t eating solids, and has to be helped for multiple things. The thing about my grandmother, and why it is so difficult for us (our family) to see her this is, she was the life of all our parties. A woman who was widowed at a very young age, when both her sons were not working/earning. She managed to uproot her family from Islamabad to Karachi, just so she could be closer to her family. She was looking for support, where she got none. She married off two daughters, married one son multiple times (never worked out) and was capable enough of running the whole household herself. From cooking to cleaning to helping her daughters wi...

It isn’t fair, how you care for people, and get nothing in return. So many of you will stand up and say, but why expect from someone, when you know people are callous. But then I like to reiterate that hey if you care for someone, you hope to God that they notice and will keep that in mind. Through the many years of my life, yes I say many because that’s what it feels like, I have noticed that relationships may it be platonic, romantic or familial ones, always are somehow one sided. It always makes me wonder why? How is it possible for someone to care about people and not get anything in return? I believe in giving till the end.  Recently, well not really I have come to a conclusion, that no matter what I do, it won’t ever be enough for someone who wants to be aloof and uncaring. So I came up with a solution, which was to adopt a scorched earth like policy. This policy entails that there will come moments, when at the end of the day I will have had enough. And on those days...

Simple, small wishes are what life really comes down to at some point. Well not always, but sometimes. In summers, in Pakistan, we get this flower, known as the Motia, a flower of the Jasmine family. It is the most beautiful and simple flower I have ever come across. Roses, are by far the most adored flower in world. While the motia is the most underrated flower I have come across. However, it is my favorite flower. Its scent is the simple and sweet and elegant. There is nothing like it in the world. It embodies everything that is related to feminism. In my city, they make bangles of this flower. It can be found at every stop light in our city. Simple, elegant bangles can be found selling at every corner of city. If a man buys me a bangle of motia, he would have a road straight to the heart. What it means, getting such a bangle from a man, is that he thought about you while he stopped at a light. What a woman really wants, is to know that the man she thinks about at multiple time...

I have heard that over time, people become bitter and disappointed. I have also seen it happen. When you want something and other people are getting it. I have seen it happen. What I would like to where the line is. Where does it end being something you want, and something you want because someone else has it. There are no limitations in a human being’s life. So it shouldn’t be a problem when they don’t get something they want right? Well personally thinking I don’t think it’s a problem. But it is for some. There are two ways of looking at it. What might they be? Well one is to strive for what you want until you get what you want. In this case, you damn the consequences and the havoc you might wreak. The other is to think it is not for you and move onto something else. Since you are an adult and you really care about the consequences. Or you can just say it wasn’t your ball game and let it go completely. But let me share one thing with you. What’s life if not for a little bit o...

Hey all, it has been sometime since I wrote anything. In fact, nowadays, these posts are the only things which are the words written by me. For the longest of time, words were my strong suit. There is no doubt about that. They were the only thing going for me. Lately, even speaking has become difficult. I wonder why that is? Could anyone tell what are the reasons a person, perfectly capable of speech, has now started to stutter? I am writing this post at a time when I have nothing else to do. All my friends, my life lines have gone to sleep. Well not all the two who I love the most. They are amazing friends. One is a classmate from when I was in ninth. And counting, that is almost 10 years. We have had our ups and downs, but we always manage to bounce back. The thing about this guy is that he is a bastard. Hahah yes that is the word for him. He is rude, insolent, blunt, and judgmental and a few other rude words I would like to place on him. However, he is a gem of a person...

I'm a stupid person. I really am... There is no limit to the extent of my stupidity. How am I not able to get things out of my mind?? I've heard it's relatively easy. What I don't get is how is it easy? I want to know if it's possible to ask the counter part of these thoughts if they are out of their minds??!  Not a invalid question I assume? But I'm sure I would be deemed unreasonable, illogical, PUSHY and other similar adjectives. Khair iske baray mai kuch khaas nahi karsakte.... It's difficult to change the person after this many years of learning and settling of patterns.  Yes, I have been brought down to the level of being called pushy! Hah! Asking for what should have been my right is known as me being pushy.  But then again we all differ in our opinion. I want to know, what to do when someone just pushes you away. No explanation, no sweetness you're expecting from them, no compassion no nothing. You just not only lost a person you also lost every ...

Hello to all the people out there who will by chance glance at my blog!!! Been away for a while!!! Life has become really hectic and rushed. Honestly don't know how people manage to make time for anything other then work and studies. But in the end we all have to fulfill what are supposed to do. For a quick recap on what has been happening..... I got a JOB in a place which works your ass off, but I still LOVE it!!! For some odd reason, I like working like a mule. Also over the past few months that I have been missing, I can't seem to stay completely free. I met new people, who invariably made a HUGE impact on my life. But all that for later!! Be Patient!!!!! Changed the manner in which I dealt with people in a major way.... Yes I know that was a long time coming..... And last but not the least, I have finally managed to get my life in a good place............. Well let's start from the beginning, I got a JOB!!!! I am a grown ass person now!!!!! Yes it sounds like a ...