The Would-Be Writer

There have been a few posts in which I talk about my fuzzy bunnies. They have died. A very painful, death. You might think fuzzy bunnies are something which can conjured up with the right amount of motivation. However, this might come as a surprise. It is difficult, it is painful and excruciating. Honestly speaking, I miss my fuzzy bunnies. It is important for me to have my fuzzy bunnies. While writing this post, I just realized, fuzzy bunnies are trademarked. I miss a special type of fuzzy bunnies. The one that creep up on you. There are so many people who might not understand this. So let me break it down for you. Each person has a base line body temperature, which is specific to them only. When they meet someone who has a baseline temperature which complements theirs, the body reacts to it. For example a simple act of hugging becomes extremely satisfying and relaxing. Just a disclaimer, these are purely personal opinions and ideas. A misconception might also be that fuzzy b...

I had a fit last night. Not a fit where my body seized up and I had to be rushed to the hospital. It was a fit of irrational needs and wishes. All of a sudden, all I wanted to do was pick up the phone and dial. Just to hear the voice which I feared I am losing touch of. I was so gripped with fear that all rational thought flew out of the window. Then I messaged a friend. So that I could get distracted for a little while, to eventually fall asleep. However, the conversation went on for a really long time. Now this friend of mine is someone who I have realized is pretty sage for their age and experience. While I was wailing away about how I missed the voice I was dying to hear; and how I wondered if I was being missed with same out of mind intensity. My friend said, you probably are missed, but only sometimes. But they weren’t afraid enough of missing you forever to let you go. This made so much sense. There is no way in hell I could have come up with that rationale. There needs t...

Something happened today. A sort of good thing, and when I hung up the phone, my instant reaction was to pick up my phone and make a call. I wanted to tell my person the news. But in a flash I realized that I couldn’t because I didn’t have him anymore. How pathetic? Right? So I did the next possible thing I could think of, which was to call my best friend and tell her. It made me extremely wretched to think how close I had come to actually making the call. Its funny isn’t it one minute there is a person in your life you tell everything to. The next that person has completely disappeared for you. How funny life is… funnier still are emotions. I suddenly had an image of a black ground, with slight fog lower to the ground. This image quite possibly could be the graveyard of memories I have. I will slowly, one by one, have to bury them all. This one particular graveyard will be large. It might possibly be the largest yet. It might possibly be the most visited. Where in my quite mome...

I have been writing messages and sending them, and then deleting them. Even though I have found out that I do not have access anymore. Yet I write them out wishing hoping they get through. Once I realize they aren’t getting through, I delete them. How pathetic is that, my friends? I put on these songs at night which make me feel closer, because we shared a love for music. we used to individually bring songs we had heard and thought the other should hear. Which leads me to remember the drives, my god the drives were a godsend. For both of us I suppose. Very early on we had come to the understanding that we were each other’s safe haven. I brought it up once, the safe haven thing. Whether it would be wise to bring your safe haven where you were running away from. I got a response I was honestly not expecting, that’s what is going to be the best part, I won’t have look around or leave my house for my safe haven. It will be waiting for me when I get home. It left me breathless. It sh...

My maternal grandmother, once took a thread. Then she proceeded to knot it. After which she told me I need to detangle it. After I detangled it, which by the way was not that easy, she told me that is how easy it is for life to get tangled. I was pretty young at that time I did not understand what she meant. However, she went on to say, anything problem can be resolved. Provided you want it badly enough. At that time, I didn’t really pay attention to what she said. However, today, all of a sudden I remembered this story again. I was wondering about how things in life get messed up. Situations which makes you think that everything has come to an end. It might not sound like there are a few things which can be looked at and fixed. There are things which might not be solvable, but some things are worth working hard for. That is how I have always thought. Fighting for what you think you have no blood left inside your body. The wounds on your body, your heart and your mind might make...

I had read a while ago, that there are different languages of love. They are: words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time and acts of service. While they might sound like something out of those self-help pop psychology; I have found out they are not. Because I seem to have found they are very much accurate. It is imperative to understand why someone like me would even believe in this. Someone who is so sure of what love is and how to love someone. It really isn’t easy, loving someone that is. Loving someone and still keeping your identity intact. If you have read through my posts, all of them that is, you will have realized that I usually lose myself in the person I am with. This time around was different and same to an extent. There was no losing of self, however, there was a sense of finding kindred spirit. Someone who understood who I am as an individual and yet, allowing me to mold into the other person. If your partner is someone whose language of lo...

The house was her dream house. Clean, beautiful and elegant. White curtains. Huge windows, really beautiful windows. Just as she had always wanted them to be. Wooden floors, black furniture. She was sitting on her bed, with all the pillows. She had always had a thing for pillows. The window was blowing in, it was a good breeze. The sound of the sea was wafting through the windows along with the wind. It was soothing, there was a quite peace. She had a book in her hand, with her hair flying softly around her face. She had on a black flowing gown. The air was fresh and she loved sipping on her hot coffee during such mornings. Suddenly, she felt two hands snake around her waist. She didn’t need to turn around to find out who it was. His scent, the one she loved so much. She leaned back, on him; and she closed her eyes. She was at complete peace. She could feel his heart thumping against her back. The rhythm soothed her like nothing else ever had. He whispered in her ear, I see you ...

Ever been someone who is in love with words, yet unable to use them/ I sit here in my room, wondering what to do with these words of mine. They seem to ebb and flow. Like the way ocean waves ebb and flow. There might be scientific reasons to the ebb and flow of the ocean. There is rather not a simple reason for the ebb and flow of my words. My words used to flow. Like the crashing waves of the ocean. I had my rock. That is what I thought, however, my rock turned into sand. There was no flow and crashing of words against my rock anymore. Every time I tried flowing, sand would make space for me and wash away. My words felt useless. There was no one to hear my words. There is a problem that I have, it consists of me wanting to embrace a person so tight when I think they are in pain. This is regardless to whatever hurt I have suffered at the hands of the person in question. How unfair is this. I sometimes want to run away from all these feelings inside of me. The ones I can’t put an...

It has been exactly a week since the world around me turned to dust. There are so many things that I have unable been able to do. For instance, trying to exercise has become excruciating. For instance talking to other people has become a burden. A huge one at that. There is no one I want to talk to. What does one do when they thought one thing about a person, and it turned out to be completely wrong? I sit awake tonight and all I can think about is what to do now. Is it so easy to move one from someone you were going to wake up next to for the rest of your life? Moving on is still a phenomenon which is alien to me. I refuse to let the other person think I’m pining away for them. When they didn’t want to be with me, why should I give them the benefit of thinking that I do. This is just a rant, like mentioned several times, through several posts of mine. Let me tell you guys a secret. Any girl who knows what she wants, will seem to be strong and ballsy. She will still know when to...

The ending was infront of me. Possibly just around the corner. My dreams were coming true, finally. After all the waiting, all the crying, the pain, all of the bad. All my dreams were actually coming true. Things were going in the right direction. I was happy. I was excited. I couldn’t wait for the beginning the rest of my life with the one person I had slowly come to imagine in my mind. It was a normal day, as any other. It ended in an issue, which turned into a fight. Which turned my world upside down. In a day. It possibly took around five minutes for everything to go to shit. There are times when I wonder what it is about me that makes it so difficult for people to stick around. But this time around, I knew that I couldn’t have had done anything more than I did. How do you think a girl who is willing to compromise with everything possible, feels after that?? There is nothing wrong with cold feet, there is for sure something wrong with an egoistic reaction. When we were young...

All I want to do is scream right now. Scream till my voice dies away slowly. It should just die down. So that I have no voice to talk with. Probably that will give me a chance to keep quite. It will give me an excuse to keep quite. It would give my pain a chance to die down. The inside of my throat itches. From all the things I want to say to you. From all the stories that I want to share with you. The missed conversations are all dissolving slowly inside of me. My words, the world I built is slowly dissolving inside of me. I don’t think I will ever get a chance to say these things to you. But this hurt is different. I feel empty, barren like there is nothing for me to do. My mere existence has been brought to a standstill. What exactly is it that I was doing at the same time last weekend? I was thinking up of ways to make you laugh. I was thinking up of stories that I would tell you. And when all of that was over, I was thinking of how comforting the sound of your voice is. I...

You know what happens when there is fear in your brain…. Your fight or flight reaction stimulus is activated. We have heard this, over the years again and again and again. But do you recognize it when it is happening? Honestly though tell me, do you? What happens first, when you fear something is you become extremely susceptible to overthinking. Your brain automatically makes up scenarios of the worst possible thing that could happen. These scenarios then become extremely large in your brain. It makes your brain hurt. Next comes the paranoia. This paranoia makes it difficult for you to think straight. Anything which can be said to you is not looked at rationally. You become irrational and everything happening is treated with the same thought. Irrationally: the world is out to get me sort of thoughts start popping into your head. Then comes the decision making time. This is when you have to take either a fight action or a flight action. This is to my readers, think for a second...