The Graveyard

Something happened today. A sort of good thing, and when I hung up the phone, my instant reaction was to pick up my phone and make a call. I wanted to tell my person the news. But in a flash I realized that I couldn’t because I didn’t have him anymore. How pathetic? Right? So I did the next possible thing I could think of, which was to call my best friend and tell her.

It made me extremely wretched to think how close I had come to actually making the call. Its funny isn’t it one minute there is a person in your life you tell everything to. The next that person has completely disappeared for you. How funny life is… funnier still are emotions.

I suddenly had an image of a black ground, with slight fog lower to the ground. This image quite possibly could be the graveyard of memories I have. I will slowly, one by one, have to bury them all. This one particular graveyard will be large. It might possibly be the largest yet. It might possibly be the most visited. Where in my quite moments I come to pay my respect to the buried memories. Since there are no head stones for each memory, it will be a job for me to find the right grave for the right memory.

Funny isn’t it, how there is a graveyard for my memories. A very dear friend of mine said something to me today, when I told them that I am not alright. They said, í know. I know it was never easy. But you have always stood on grounds by being strong. The person (me) I know, is yes sensitive, but she always knows how to win against the tides. That was possibly the most astounding description I have heard of myself so far.

I might be in mourning, but I feel with so many memories to mourn, my mourning period will take some time. My religion allows for three days of mourning. Allows might not be the right word, but it I am not an authentic source. It might as well be a suggestion. How do you mourn someone who is still alive? Breathing, running, laughing, living life without a worry in the world. I don’t suppose its possible to even hope for a resurrection. When the person themselves wants to remain dead.

Do resurrections even happen? Another friend today told me to reach out…. When I inquired what do I say, I was told to say anything and everything you want. I thought about it, I thought long and hard about what I would say. I sat quietly, poked and prodded my mind, and my heart. Thinking I might get something I want to say, if there is anything left for me to say. I found humiliation, pain, disrespect, anger and grief.

Humiliation on being taken for a fool in front of important people in my life. Pain at being left in such a manner, pain at being abandoned for nothing. Disrespect by the one person I thought would give me the respect I deserved, because I extended them the same courtesy. Anger at believing words spoken again and again; anger at being taken for a ride, anger at being made a fool out of. Most of all I felt grief. The most crippling sort of grief possible. Grief for my love, which I had given so freely. Grief for myself for believing I could actually have it all. Grief for losing the one person I felt understood me and was my partner.

That graveyard in my mind, is still quite empty. I’m having a hard time putting memories to rest. Paying them the right respect. The graveyard is there. However, I’m fighting the urge to visit it. Start the process of burying these memories. These moments I relish reliving again and again. I fight with myself every day. One part of me tells me to start burying; while the other part tells me to sit with them for a while more. Relish them. These are all mine. No one can take them away from me. They cant leave me until I start burying them.

In the process I cause myself even more pain. I cry, I weep, the wind gets knocked out of me. I wake up repeatedly during the night. I check my phone, my social media. I wake up extremely hung over everytime. As I have been dreaming dreams of these memories. I don’t want to wake up from my sleep if I can help it. In my dreams I have you all to myself. I have these moments all to myself. I fear forgetting you. I fear losing the feeling of your hands on me, in my hair, pinching my cheek. I fear forgetting the sound of your voice. I fear forgetting how your car smells with you in it. I fear everything. I fear I won’t recognize myself without you here.

You telling me I can do whatever I put my mind. I did just that with you didn’t I? put my mind to loving you. What did it end me with nothing, but a vast graveyard being set up. I hate graveyards. I don’t like visiting graveyards. They remind me of all the dreams and hopes I had for the people who are actually in those graves. But now I have to start making graves for the feelings which I hold on to, yet want to let go of.

I don’t want to let go. I have always been a hopeful person. This time around I see no hope. I see no silver lining. I see darkness as far as my eyes can travel. I see pain, I despair. I see the fog playing around near the ground where the graves are. I wonder if one day, you will want to visit this graveyard with me. I wonder if I will ever hear the sound of your laughter again, or feel those hands messing up my hair. I wonder if I will ever be normal again. I wonder if I will be able to stop comparing people to you. I wonder if I will stop waiting for you. I also wonder if you wonder about me.