The Would-Be Writer

Honestly speaking I have been a ship wreck for the last whole week. I have started and left around 4 posts incomplete due to how I was feeling. That just makes everything seem worse.... 4 posts is a lot for me to handle... I always feel better when I can write and when doesn't come through for me then I feel as if things will never be right again.  I don't know how to continue this one also. I stop in the middle of a sentence and don't know what to write next or how to even complete a sentence. This had never happened before. And it is bothering the shit out of me. My week has been shit.... Sorry for the repeat of my previous statement but it has been. I have spent the last week thinking and thinking and thinking. I'm an over thinker by nature. To my brain the phrase 'staying busy' doesn't mean a hell whole lot.  There are times when I might be doing the most serious and concentration needed task, and still be thinking about what the real issue in my life is...

I have an exam in exactly 2 hours.... And all I can do is stare at my text book and think about last night. A few months ago I promised myself I would never let any man make me feel the way I felt last night. And thanks to another person, I let all the doubts which I had kept away come into my mind. I am so lost, and I know for a fact that I'm a mess.  I don't know what to do. Last night I cried myself to sleep. That isn't a good thing. I had thought I left all of that behind. But I guess old dogs never learn new tricks. Over the years I thought I had grown up and become mature. But I guess I havn't. I'm the same old stupid idiotic me.  I really don't know where to go from here I wish I could have one of those thingies.... You know the ones featured in Harry Potter books, where Dumbledore is able to siphon his memories and thoughts into a stone basin. I wish I had that. So I could ease and relieve my mind of all that hurts me and my heart. I sometimes wish peopl...

Today for some odd reason I was teary all day long.... Nope it wasn't PMS!!! I was just down in the dumps.... And every bad thing which has ever happened went through my mind. I felt so alone, I didn't know who to turn to.. These tears are just a waste if time... But they were there stinging my eyes as I tried to study for my upcoming exams... It has been sometime I had someone to share my tears with. But I think that's alright... I have come to the conclusion that God made tears to be shed in solitude... People don't really know how to handle tears...  I'm at a point in my life where I think I need unconditional love. I need to know that I have my safety net in place incase I fall. I have this phase which comes at odd times where I become a biatch. And no this is not something I'm just saying, it's true.  I'm my own worst critic, so I know what I am. But moving on, I seem to have lost my safety and I think I'm lost without it. Today I couldn...

I have no real aim of today's post... All I want to do is write, I miss writing :( this is the only place I get to write anymore.  Over the years, there have been so many changes in the world around me that I really am surprised I didn't pay more attention to them.  When I was growing up, there was almost no thoughts or talk of gay people. They were mostly non-existing, or weren't as comfortable being open about  it. The thought of coming out as gay was horrifying. The prosecution thy faces was tooo much. But now the world has come to accept and embrace same sex relationships. The thing just popped into my head. I was around the time when there was zero tolerance for same sex relationships. Even now people don't understand them, but what can you do when people call in love.  The manner in which technology had changed, is also amazing. Who could have thought that we would be able to roam around with computers. Who could have envisioned a world connected through signal...

I am a huge fan of big families... My own family is huge. While there are many who live abroad or far away, there is always an excuse ready to get together.  I don't get people who don't like to meet with families. By families I mean extended and such. My family on both my mum and my dad's side is a big one. With losts of children and adults, my family has now entered the fourth generation cycle mashAllah....  It's a completely different story that I might not be able to remember all the names of the husbands and the wives and the children. This is not odd, as we meet after sometime and it's alright to not remember. The reason for this post is nostalgia, plain and simple. Today was my dad's dad's birthday. ( I don't know if it was the way of saying that) and we had a semi huge celebration. It was his 89th birthday mashAllah.  I love and cherish this man. He has lost most of his sight, most of his ability to hear; not all though, it comes back when it...

At this very minute I wish I could cry my eyes out... Excuse me for anyone who is being subjected to reading this blog and posting, but at this very minute I'm standing alone.  I wish I could scream and shout. I wish I could make things easier for me and my life. How is it that I am standing at this place. The world looks like a picture from one of the horror stories. People don't just abuse you, they have a tendency to abuse you.  How can I hope to amount to something for someone, when someone is not willing to open up. Why is it that we have to fight for the love that we think is for us?? I don't get why love something which is supposedly one of the most beautiful thing in this earth, should be something which brings considerable pain to us.... My pain, my life, my sorrows, my tears, all things bad in my life seem to belong solely to me. There is no one sharing the pain. There is no one who I can feel I can cry infront of. I don't think I have ever had unconditional l...