Indispensable

It isn’t fair, how you care for people, and get nothing in return. So many of you will stand up and say, but why expect from someone, when you know people are callous. But then I like to reiterate that hey if you care for someone, you hope to God that they notice and will keep that in mind.

Through the many years of my life, yes I say many because that’s what it feels like, I have noticed that relationships may it be platonic, romantic or familial ones, always are somehow one sided. It always makes me wonder why?

How is it possible for someone to care about people and not get anything in return? I believe in giving till the end.  Recently, well not really I have come to a conclusion, that no matter what I do, it won’t ever be enough for someone who wants to be aloof and uncaring. So I came up with a solution, which was to adopt a scorched earth like policy.

This policy entails that there will come moments, when at the end of the day I will have had enough. And on those days, no one and nothing will stop me from actually burning bridges. Surprisingly when I adopt this policy, it is the very same people I adopted it for, who complain. Saying things like, why, oh my god what is wrong with you, you woke up on the wrong side of the bed today. I would like to ask them one thing, where were you when it was you behaving this way and I was getting hurt?

Needless to say at the end of the day, people hurt you. Well myself being a sensitive lass, I get hurt a lot. And when I say a lot I mean a lot. People I care about, think it’s alright to run the show on their terms. I wonder why. A friend of mine recently told me that I am too good for my own good. And went on to explain that at the end of the I will always be at the losing end and never win. To which I asked why, and I was told, that everyone thinks for themselves.

Rarely will people consider your feelings. To which I asked, but why would someone I care about not think about my feelings. I was floored by the answer I got: they are getting you to care for them, what more can they want, they will never consider the fact that you can stop. Because no matter what I stand by my words and commitment. I wonder why that is.

I have realized that I am dispensable, to many people. This got me thinking, why should I care when they don’t, and the answer I came up with is that I am not as callous as them. A colleague of mine said this about me today: your smile makes me want to smile, and you really stand out, I would hate for that to change. Through the time we have worked together, I have never felt anything less than the fact that if you are around, things will be alright. And….. that it shows that I care and I make people comfortable to be around.

Alright, that highly embarrassed me, since I don’t do well with compliments. But I was floored. I was so humbled, that I was speechless. And then I thought to myself, if this is how one person feels in regards to me, someone I don’t interact with much; why can’t someone I care about, respect, and spend time with feel about me.

It also made me wonder, if I am this inter changeable, what is with all the words? I like people who are direct, straight forward and open about what they are thinking. I don’t like people who keep things to themselves. If I did something wrong, shouldn’t I be told about it? But one thing that I cannot bear is people thinking it’s alright to say one thing and then do something completely different. What’s the point of saying what you said, and then not follow through on it?

But oh well, what can I say except rant and rave. I am past going after people who can’t follow through on what they say and who can’t come for me when I tell them something is wrong.