Things which Need to Exit my Brain NOW!!!

I had a fit last night. Not a fit where my body seized up and I had to be rushed to the hospital. It was a fit of irrational needs and wishes. All of a sudden, all I wanted to do was pick up the phone and dial. Just to hear the voice which I feared I am losing touch of.

I was so gripped with fear that all rational thought flew out of the window. Then I messaged a friend. So that I could get distracted for a little while, to eventually fall asleep. However, the conversation went on for a really long time. Now this friend of mine is someone who I have realized is pretty sage for their age and experience.

While I was wailing away about how I missed the voice I was dying to hear; and how I wondered if I was being missed with same out of mind intensity. My friend said, you probably are missed, but only sometimes. But they weren’t afraid enough of missing you forever to let you go. This made so much sense. There is no way in hell I could have come up with that rationale. There needs to be a book I should write with all the sage, light bulb moments I have had.

The fear of losing someone at times, just cripples me. It had crippled me for a very long time. There was an instance, when I was goaded. In an extremely bad manner, on the same issue. That for sure I would not ever talk about leaving. It made me snap, it made me feel weak. It made me feel taken for granted, it made me feel like I was being taken for a ride, and being taken advantage of. It isn’t a nice feeling, being told I don’t have the guts to leave if things get bad for me.

I once wrote a post about a princess and her fairy tale. I read through it, it made me feel like nothing had changed. There was nothing that I could do about how there had been no change since then. I had a long day today. Every time I felt about how I should call, I felt nauseous. I had nausea all day long today, nothing I did made it go away.

I think the stress will be the end of me. These urges to pick up the phone has been so intense, I keep looking around for ways to minimize the urges. I keep sending messages, instead of picking up the phone to call. This way I stay safe, there is no way that those will be received. I breathe a sigh of relief every time the messages don’t go through. It is like I'm playing Russian roulette with myself, any minute, I will blow my brain out.

Why am I being like this you might ask, because I thought soul mates exist? I am so tired of being pathetic. I am so tired of waiting, hoping, dreading and a lot of other miserable feelings. I want this to end. Since I know that my messages won’t go through, what I want to say is not going to go through. I need to keep on taking it one day at a time. I just wish all these would go by easier and faster. I saw an advertisement today, which I would have instantly shared previously. But now, I keep looking at it, and thinking to myself, whether I should go for some R&R on my own.

But wouldn’t that exacerbate my situation. Figures. That’s all I can manage making the situation worse. What’s the worst that could happen? I miss the warmth I had engulfing me at all times recently. I never used to feel like the world is about to end, or that my brain is pounding like a train without breaks. I could imagine leaning back into a warm embrace, something which I have been trying to avoid thinking. 
But it doesn't end at all. It is like there are a million little things inside me pulling in different directions, and I can't breathe. I need to lean back into that same warm embrace to be able to breathe. Just that thought right there makes me feel like chucking the insides of my stomach. I keep looking around for a reprieve; books, work, cooking, exercise; but it doesn't lead to any peace. I need to breathe. I need to get away so that I can hear myself think, I will honestly end up thinking about how I want to call. Dumb right, it really is a vicious circle of pain and despair.