Battered & Brusied

You know what happens when there is fear in your brain…. Your fight or flight reaction stimulus is activated. We have heard this, over the years again and again and again. But do you recognize it when it is happening? Honestly though tell me, do you?

What happens first, when you fear something is you become extremely susceptible to overthinking. Your brain automatically makes up scenarios of the worst possible thing that could happen. These scenarios then become extremely large in your brain. It makes your brain hurt.

Next comes the paranoia. This paranoia makes it difficult for you to think straight. Anything which can be said to you is not looked at rationally. You become irrational and everything happening is treated with the same thought. Irrationally: the world is out to get me sort of thoughts start popping into your head.

Then comes the decision making time. This is when you have to take either a fight action or a flight action. This is to my readers, think for a second, to the last few situations which have come up. What did you choose? I understand it will take a while for it to sink in whether you are a fighter or a flight person. But that is what I have been trying to make it sink in.

I have worked a long time to make sure my gut instinct is to fight. To stand and fight for what I believe should happen. Or fight for the people I believe in. Or the things I want more than anything else in the world. If you guys have been keeping up with the sordid tale which is my life, posted up for review, discussion and the utter blatant gossip need; you know that I try.

That is what I can do. Try while people come through my life, ask me for myself, and then leave. A bloody doormat. But hey, a fighting doormat. Now fancy that. Where was I? Oh yes, you know I try, I try and manage being something who isn’t completely selfish. I am not at all selfish, or well so I think. Hey, I can think can’t I?

All of the above happens inside my mind within a split second. My mind, which is always, always on overdrive, goes into something which isn’t even worth explaining. The thoughts running through my head, become so large and so loud that it becomes difficult to operate. Then comes the paranoia.  

The paranoia is something that scares me. You know why, because then my rational brain stops working. Decision making becomes impaired. It’s like my feet are stuck in quick sand and if I move, I will keep on sinking slowly and surely to my death. My brains keeps shouting out to me asking me to make a decision.

That is where the fight or flight instinct comes over. That’s when I choose to fight. While every bone in my body is screaming to fly away. To take flight and go somewhere far, far away from this thing that is going on in my brain.

Right now, I am done fighting. The fight has gone out of me. Probably because I have constantly chosen to fight. It has now chosen to stop responding to me. Which is, something I had been afraid of since forever. I heard somewhere that you are given the amount of attributes, which you might need to make use of. They are provided to you, in a limited amount and they are only enough to be used to that extent.

I think I have finally, completely used the whole amount of fight allocated to me. It really was the last straw. On this day of January, year 2020; where everything was new and shiny and full of hope. I have been handed the outlook for the year to come.

Dear girl, your fight has been used up. Be careful of the situations that you get yourself into. But hey where is the fun in that. Broken, battered and bruised; there is nothing which I can do when it comes to what im going through.

What I really can do, is to make sure that I keep it to myself. I need to preserve the strength that I have left to ensure I make it through the rest of the year. Or the day. Or probably this day. And the next. Sometimes, when something really earth shattering happens with me, I think why the world hasn’t stopped. This is what has happened and my world has stopped and I can’t breathe. Then why isn’t everything else stopping.

It doesn’t stop does it, it keeps on going on. There is no rest. You can’t stick your head in the sand. I want to scream, I want to break things. 
I can't breathe. I can't feel anything except this odd numbness where something is missing.