Land der Lebenden: Land of the Living

Two days ago, a stranger praised me on my writing. He had come across my blog and struck up a conversation with me. It was invigorating. Highly stimulating and extremely fun. But what got to me was the fact that he seem to get where I'm coming from in my writing. Very few people actually understand. 

He shared a quote with me. It was a very nice one something about people not being able to keep up with what they say. 

This post is now being continued on another day 

I just can't seem to sleep. What better way to while away the time than to write. People don't understand what the life of an insomniac is like. It's not well. I think I just had a panic attack. I met two new friends. Both are a lot of work. They have very many similar traits. But I like ye one better than the other. I don't know how to explain it. They both are self sufficient, self reliant and believe in making me work towards a goal. They both love criticizing me and irritating me. 

But honestly speaking I get fed up of being continuously told I'm over weight. Yes if you're reading this, this is about you 😜. 

Anyway the reason for writing this post is that I'm stuck in hell. I have random panic attacks and I don't like to admit it to anyone. I'm a sucker for punishment which is why today, I searched my mail box for the conversation I had saved with my guy. Yes the one who abandoned me. I read it and it was like a slap on my face. I think I'm at that place where you're scared you might forget the person and you tend to hold on tighter? Is there such a place? I think there is but all in all the place sucks. All I do is sit around and think about him. Which is pathetic it's been months now. He seems to have moved on, two months abroad, picked out a wife. I guess I wasn't wifely material. 

A very good friend of mine pointed out to me that everyone in this world needs love. And he pointed out to my current lack of love. I tried to tell him I'm fine, but he managed to shatter my belief in myself by telling me the things that and my emotional self are missing out on. I would have loved to prove him wrong but he was right and seldom deny things which are right. 

He asked me whether I can live without someone asking me if I have had my food, someone sending me a kiss goodnight, someone telling me about their problems, someone asking me about my problems. What his point was to realize that I need a man in my life. But how could I explain to him that wanting a man and finding a man who is willing to commit and seeing through till the end is hopeless. Like one of my new found friend has told me repeatedly and with quite relish, I might add, that I am a hopelessly gone case for even thinking of falling in love again. 

Which is true but how can I give up on love. When infact I have not given up on love??? Is love really that stupid that it doesn't amount to anything but pain? And I doooomed of spending my life like this?