Immortalization

It's said that anything that goes down in history, everything which is written about, talked about ages after it has happened; is the simple act of immotarlising that thing. I think that it's true what they say. But how does someone know that talking about something again and again won't ruin the actual feel of the event? 

Does talking and thinking about something full the exhilaration felt in rethinking simple moments? As I listen to a very old song mundiya to Bach ke rahi amazing oldie RDB, I realize that the feeling we get from memories don't go away. Honestly!! The sweetness of hearing that first I love you. The amazing thrill of holding hands for the first time, it doesn't go away. 

At this very minute I'm reliving my most poignant moment; hearing that I love you I had been waiting patiently for. For a second I had forgotten to answer worrying 'the person'. But I couldn't help it!! Honestly, I fell quite savoring those three words like my life depended on it. For sometime in that moment I just couldn't speak, only feel. The smell of being surrounded by 'the person', the feel of 'the person' next to me; it is all etched into my memory. 

'The person' isn't around anymore. Might be saying the same words to someone else one day. That is the thought that comes right after I relive this memory. It's a bloody bitch of a thought. This is the thought that makes it difficult and painful to think about what is actually something beautiful. I'm jealous, outraged, annoyed, pissed off, in my bitch mode, wanting to gouge the eyes of the other woman who might be at the receiving end of this. 

Hey you can't blame me for feeling this way. It's not like I can do anything. My hands are tied. I'm helpless. Stuck in a black swirling misty place I don't even know the name of. It was after three weeks that I had been able to even listen to songs. Yes that's sissy!!!! I've never been one. I have always prided myself on bring strong and being able to look ahead. Right now looking ahead hurts more than it ever has. 

I tried to write a story to immortalize my memories. But unfortunately the words I came up with sounded hollow and unworthy. How do I convey the feeling of having 'the person' hold my hand with same love each time. How do I use words to describe the texture of 'the person's' face. How do I immortalize his laugh, which brought me happiness. Hah imagine that, silly ole me being happy at the mere sound of 'the person's' laughter.

It was a useless feat. Horribly executed and made me feel like shit. 

I'm a sissy. I'm the person who couldn't hold it together. Hah what a farce I have been putting on for people. I'm weak and stupid. Even now I would give anything asked of me for just one satisfactory meeting. But it's all good, life happens when you least expect it...... I can't forget all the late night calls.... Not having them hurts the most. The feel of being closer than anything to that one person who could read you like a book is missing. I don't want anyone else to have it with 'the person'. Selfish of me? Yes I'm proudly saying it. And I don't back down never have from what I say and I never will.....