My Selfie

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Today for some odd reason I was teary all day long.... Nope it wasn't PMS!!! I was just down in the dumps.... And every bad thing which has ever happened went through my mind. I felt so alone, I didn't know who to turn to..
These tears are just a waste if time... But they were there stinging my eyes as I tried to study for my upcoming exams... It has been sometime I had someone to share my tears with. But I think that's alright... I have come to the conclusion that God made tears to be shed in solitude... People don't really know how to handle tears... 
I'm at a point in my life where I think I need unconditional love. I need to know that I have my safety net in place incase I fall. I have this phase which comes at odd times where I become a biatch. And no this is not something I'm just saying, it's true. 
I'm my own worst critic, so I know what I am. But moving on, I seem to have lost my safety and I think I'm lost without it. Today I couldn't console a friend properly because I myself was inconsolable. And it made me feel shitty. One thing I know about myself is that I am always always there for my friends. And today for the first time I couldn't be a shoulder to cry on and all becaus I myself have no one to console me. 
This made me feel like a heel. And I hate feeling like that. When I'm too pissed or annoyed I usually call asleep. This way I can be alright and not lash out on people. Cause it's better to pull myself together than have someone else do it. I. The end u start depending on that person and dependence I have learned is not a good thing. It leaves a person in peices. It takes time for the self to see the pain of the self. We are so busy in helping others that our own pain goes unnoticed. 
Honestly speaking I'm feeling highly selfish. There is no other word for it. I'm feeling selfish and it's better that I internalize rather than externalizer this feeling. I have seen that people even the ones closest and dearest to us can't be trusted when feeling this way.  
Guten Nacht bis zum nächtsen Mal 

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