Alone in a Crowd

Sitting at the conference table, during a meeting, looking around at everyone sitting there and finally realizing that you are alone. In a meeting of around 10 people, you are completely and totally alone. There is no one you can look towards and smile. You know the smile I’m talking about, the smile of recognition, the smile of knowing someone is there with you. That is what was missing today. It was one of the biggest meetings of my life, and I felt completely out of sorts and a stranger throughout it all. Like a complete interloper.

I realize I have always written when things are not going well for me, or when I’m low. But I would like to point out, what good is a pen and paper, when you are feeling completely alone and miserable. So move on if you do not want to read a whiny post. Ever had that feeling that you are completely alone in a crowd, even when there are people around? I feel that a lot. Everyone will be talking, laughing and enjoying the surroundings, and I will get this feeling of being breathless. This feeling of being completely on my own and no one to call my own is what that breathlessness is about.

Now I would like to point out, that when I talk about someone of my own, it does not mean a partner. It means a friend, a confidant, someone I know will be there no matter what shit happens. And I would like to question you my dear readers, is such a friendship even possible in today’s age? Well I would like to point out it is possible, only if you want to make it possible. See I believe that to maintain a friendship or any relationship, you should learn to stand by your words. They mean a lot.

What exactly would words mean, if they are not supported by actions? I mean c’mon, who would believe your words, if the actions were completely opposite to the words coming out of your mouth. I have had multiple instances where more than one chance was given to people, who I wanted in my life. These chances were for them to actually back up their verbal claims with actions. See for me, the relationship, the person I’m talking to, bringing into my life, is more important than holding onto my ego.

What are a few fights among friends, which relationship does not have them? In my highly opinionated opinion, a relationship, which does not have arguments in it, is not going to work in the long term. I have friends who I rarely talk to, but I know and the matter of fact is they know, that no matter when I need them they will be there and vice versa.

So my question to you is, is it not possible for people to actually back up their verbal claims with actions? Is it so difficult to let go of your ego to keep someone in your life? For someone like me this is a no brainer. I under no circumstances like losing people. Friends, are actually the family you pick and choose for yourself. It is not like siblings and parents, aunts and uncles, paternal family and maternal family; where you have no choice at all. You have to play the hand you are dealt. But with friends, that is where I believe we hit the jack pot. Where we pick and choose the family we want. People we want to have when we are happy and people we would love to have when we are sad.

I believe, in all my years, of relationships lost, and of relationships gained; there are two types of people. People who are able to back up their claim of not letting you go and not letting you be; and people who are not able to stand by you when you are at your crappiest. I mean sure we all have the capability to be crappy and nasty and snappy, but isn’t it what friends are there for? To make you laugh at the silliest of things just so that they are able to bring a smile to your face.

I was watching this video recently on Facebook, where this man said that it is complete and utter bullshit, when someone says that you do not deserve my best, when you are unable to put up with my worst. According to him it is the most narcissistic quote he has ever come across.  However, what I believe, is that people who know your best, the ones who accept you as their own, don’t mind putting up with your worst. We are human being after all. We all have bad days, all of us go through phases where even the person themselves doesn’t know what is bringing them down.

It is during those days, when words like I am not letting you be, mean a lot. It literally brings your world crashing around you, when someone says this and is not able to actually show that through their actions. I mean don’t say it then if you don’t want to do it. When these words are just words to be thrown around anywhere and everywhere, don’t say them. Because for you they might be just words, for someone, these words coming from you might be what differentiate between a good day and a bad day. It might be what makes them hope, when they had stopped hoping for something good to happen to them. or when they actually believe that yes someone is willing to stick by me, when they have been disappointed so many times previously, funnily, via those specific words.

Ever feel lonely in a crowd of people you know? I have, I have felt wretchedly lonely, while I stood around people who I know personally. I have felt alone while sitting at a meeting where the only person I could smile at is looking everywhere but at me. I have felt alone, when I have not been able to draw strength from the person I most hoped to draw strength from. I work with people, where I believe in making connections, making friends. It isn’t possible for me to work if I don’t feel connected to the people. Silly you might say? Yes it is silly, but hey at least I am able to accept it, rather than be in denial.

So friends, I may be young, not even having completed my 20s, but c’mon, I’m not a total and complete imbecile.