Happiness

What is happiness? Is it when you see your child smile for the first time? Is it when you actually see your parents smile at you with pride? Or is it just sitting and laughing with your friends? Or possibly for you your happiness is siting with your partner and just being. What is happiness to you?

Do you actually know? Or is it just an idea you have in your mind, which you run around to conform with. Everyone is different, everyone has a different way of doing things. To each and every one, the idea of happiness is different. But the real question is, do you actually know what makes you happy?

Do you actually know what gives you a tingle up your spine? Do you know what actually causes butterflies in your tummy? I thought I knew, but slowly and gradually, that tingle, those butterflies have disappeared. They are now non-existent. In the race to grow up, be an adult, I have lost all that I thought or perceived to make me happy.

Those butterflies I'm talking about, that excitement to just step into the office and see someone, that has gone. For a person, who does everything from the heart, it makes no sense to come in contact with people who don’t really do things from their heart. I mean if I am like this, shouldn’t I come in contact with people who are similar to me?

Or is it an ongoing test, where, it is important for me to become like the people I come in contact with. I have prided myself in being how I am. Even with all the hurt I’ve been dealt through the years. I mean what good is your common sense when you can’t use it to make sure that the hurt one person dished out, is not the next person’s fault.

And why lose who you are just because you have been hurt and come in contact with shitty people? These questions have been running around in my head since some time now. I have always been someone who has been an optimistic cynic. What that basically means is that no matter what happens I don’t lose my optimism.  

Recently, it has been a struggle to hold on to my optimism. Just getting out of bed is a struggle for me. Is this what people call depression? I think not, that is just my storytelling mind, making stories. But I would like to know the answer to these questions. As the days go by, I feel like bits and pieces of me are being taken away from me.

Every time I let someone in, I give them a piece of me. And when that person walks away, they take that bit with them. Yesterday, was a difficult day for me. I had to be there for a friend who lost her father in an accident. And all I could think about was all of the things which could go wrong in life. All I could think about is why is it that when someone breaks down, you usually want the people who have walked away or gone from your life.

Is it something to do with human nature, or are we programmed to do things this way. Over the years, the thing that I have learnt is not to expect anything from anyone. But how can a human being be that way. A parent expects from their child. A person expects from their friends. A wife expects from her husband, and vice versa.

All I want to know is when will this chipping off of me as a human end? Yesterday, it made me realize, that no matter what, if you value your ego more than the people in my life, it makes for a rocky ride through your life. Asking someone to put up with you for just a bit, is not unreasonable. For a person like me, it is very important that I can count on the words of the people in my life.

Once that does not happen, it shatters my belief in the people around me. So, dear readers, tell me, do you know what makes you happy?