Untitled

Please don't be scared with the title, I have no idea what to title my post today. So much has been going on. And I just needed some space to breathe. Thus the post today. 

I am in immense denial!!! I am avoiding all the different issues which I have to face. And once again I'm going to sound like a broken record. But I miss him. Every minute of every day of the past four months. I hate it. 

I have completely shut my mind down. And even then the bitch of the memories. Keep coming back. Things have become so distorted inside my mind that I don't even know what to do. 

And I wish I could have someone who could seperate the things. Because my mind has made a huge mush of things. And I hate it!!! There is no other way of saying it. The movies don't distract me, the books don't help. Nothing helps anymore. And it's kind of made a mess of things for me. 

I know for a fact that I didn't mean shit. What could I have to offer to someone so amazing. But I'm not that bad. Atleast I think I'm not. But then what do I know, right? Anyways, let's plod on..... 

I'm a mess but I want to get back to where I was. I had ambition and drive. I hate being with people. I used to love it, love meeting new people, I loved learning about them, listening to their stories. And now I don't have two words to say to someone. I might have become the rudest person on the earth currently. 

I honestly hate this version of myself. It sucks it's horrible and I don't like this version. I wish I could do something about it, but I'm at a loss. This has not happened before. The funny thing is I have always been able to close things away and pack them up nicely. This time everything is out there. The boxes are all open and scattered around. 

I need to get a job and work. And even then I know nothing will help. I want to scream at the top if my lungs. But I know that I have to get through..... That's all for right now I'm lost and I don't think writing will help with it. But I needed to get this stuff out of my head.....