Midnight Rantings

Hey all. 

I know it's late in the night, but this is when I do my best thinking. All my thoughts are running around in my head and writing all this down feels good. 

It's almost been forty days since my grandfather passed away. And I still can't seem to come to grips with it. My life is still moving on, the world is revolving, but there is still something missing. 

I don't think anyone can ever fill that space up. He was a gem of a person and I'm honestly trying to make him proud. I am going to fulfill all the dreams he ever had for me. 

Throughout my life I have had people looking out for me. And one by one I lost those people. But I learned a lot from them. I learnt how never to let other people know your weaknesses from my ex. I learnt how never to forget Allah from my grandfather. I learnt how to always keep a poker face on infront of others from my dad. I learnt how to always keep an open mind from my mother. I learnt to cook from both my grandmothers. I learnt to keep my anger in check from my siblings. 

I am trying to learn how to read people down to pat from my work colleagues. I always love learning. In the end you never know what all you can do if you just buckle down and learn. Another thing I leaned is never to trust anyone. All your life, trust comes with a lot of responsibilty if you don't think that someone is responsible don't trust them. 

My grandfather always was there for me. His presence was enough to make me happy. I might not have called him as often as I would have liked but I loved him dearly. I see his face whenever I close my eyes. Also when I visit his grave. I can't imagine him being inside that grave. Where he is buried. I just see his face when I visit the grave. 

I wish I could have sat with him and heard more stories from him about his life. He lived a full life. With kids and hunting and his work and visitng cities and his habit of going for Hajj and Umrah whenever he could. 

He was furious with me for putting on weight. Always used to say that youngsters should be fit and lean. He's the reason that I started working out. Well and my mums nagging. I just miss him. It's like losing him every single day. I wake up and I realise I can't call him todah or hear his voice. 

But I know well I hope he can hear me when I call out to him and pray for him. I hope he's happy and in a better place. I wouldn't want anything else for him.