15th February 2016

This date holds great importance to me as of this year. It's the day my beloved grandfather passed away. He was fine in the morning and he passed away on his way to the hospital. He always prayed for a painless death and that's exactly how he went. 

It might sound morbid, but a painless death is the best thing Allah can grant you, out of the many blessings. He just went, and I still can't believe it. My younger sister told me to be strong and calm about things. That's what everyone told me. Be calm Daariya pray for him. 

While all the while I just wanted to scream and cry out for the pain I felt in every part of my body. 

He was an amazing man. And I hate inserting a past tense while talking about him. He was my hero my idol and the man from whom I learnt a lot. He always always had his pride and dignity. He was my super hero. 

He was a police man. Worked all his life to give his kids a good enough education to make something of themselves. Married two daughters and five sons, one just didn't want to marry. He was the one man I knew would always be there to go to for advice and to just and talk about things. 

He used to call me his son. I was his son, the eldest of the eldest. For as long as I can remember he never ever asked for anything from anybody. Didn't ever beg for anything from anyone except the Almighty. I still remember how he would sit us down and talk to us about how he built his life. How he managed to be where he is through hard work and honesty. 

In a profession which is ridden with bribes and corruption, he never once wavered from his conviction to do the right thing. And that according to him is all that matters. In truth he was the one who held the family together. His six sons and two daughters. We are a big bunch and the weekends were always a time to get together at his house. 

I can't believe he's gone. He was the one man who stayed up at night and prayed for me and my success and my marriage. He was the sole reason I wanted to get married. Just so that he would be a pet of the decision. I don't believe I'll ever be able to trust the decision without his input. 

In all honesty, I have never been good with dealings with stuff. There is no way I could ever imagine dealing with this on my own. At this time, when I felt numb and lost, my best friend didn't get me. He just didn't want to stick around. So I decided to leave. Cause I never wanted to hurt him and I have a habit of lashing out. 

At this time when I want to scream and cry I don't have anyone to calm me down. There is no one who can come and say you alright? But then I guess we are all alone in this world right? I mean who would have thought that the guy who told me he wouldn't leave left. I'm stupid and silly and impulsive but he isn't so why did he let me go so easily? 

My grandfather is gone and so is my best friend. At this point I am just going through the motions of life. I don't feel like working or playing or taking to anyone. I get so low that I randomly start crying. And that just isn't want I want. I want my grandfather back and I want my best friend back. 

But this time around I don't think I'll be getting what I want. I am so lost and numb that I don't know how to fix myself.  I guess I'll just have to re-glue the prices of me back together again. I have done it on my own so many times that now it's just a routine thing to do. 

But the part of me where my grandfather is is all broken and that I can't fix. I miss him. I miss him a lot and I wish I could just sit across from him and tell him that I love him. For me that's all that matters right now. 

Life is short you don't bring others down to build yourself up.