Easy Loving

You know at my age, very close to 25, you learn a few things in life. The first thing you learn is that you second guess yourself all your life. There is nothing you can do about it. There are major decisions you wish you had a clear path to, a clear defined decision or solution to but you don’t. The second thing you learn is that there are many different kinds of friends around. And the funny thing is you need them. The good and bad all together. Another thing I’ve learned is that there are many different kinds of love. There are so many types of them around which you experience in your life. There’s the love of the family, there is the love of friends, for both these loves you are willing to die and stand up to the worst of situations. Now the third kind of love is the one you find in the opposite sex, or the ones who might find in the same sex. See this is the love we all strive to find. The perfect partner. The one who takes our breath away. That one look which makes you weak in the knees. We all look for it, even the most cynical ones. I think I’ve come across a few us. I’ve had my first love, where I thought this was it. I’ve had the love which took half my life away from me. I’ve had the gut wrenching love and now I have the love which is easy and amazing. My first love was with a coward, I fell in love with a guy who never really understood what my family meant for me. He shunned me for choosing my family over him. I don’t blame him; I just regret wasting so much time on him. But I don’t regret loving him. It was beautiful while it lasted. The love which I grew up with was the one which had the most impact on me. We were together for 8 years four days ago. It was the stuff of tele novellas. It was a roller coaster ride which I don’t think I’ll ever forget. It changes me a lot. Even now when I try to write about it, I am highly shaky on what to write about. Whether I should highlight the good or the bad? This love, this is what I regret. I don’t know why. I always wish I could have done things differently. It was a huge deal, making it work. I spent 8 years in an abusive relationship just because I wanted things to work out. I feel so stupid. I mean my parents have brought me up to be strong and independent. But I have always been a bit on the romantic side. I always thought I could make things work out. It was my belief that if I give all that I have, and I mean literally all that I have to this love, I would get a fraction of what I deserve in the end. But throughout it, I got only pain, hurt, tears, humiliation and a sense of loss. I don’t know how to explain to people why I did it. People have a tendency to turn around and say it’s been so long you should just marry him. And I always want to slug those people. I mean don’t they think for a second before they speak? How can I marry a man who I know has never nourished me emotionally….. Or paid attention to how whatever I did for eight years was for him. How do I marry a man I know won’t keep me happy? Knows someone for a long time the only criteria that matters? You know I’m not as heartless as I seem right now. Saying no to him makes the whole of my thought our future flash before my eyes. I mean how you would like to know you can get everything except your self-respect in a relationship. And you know you are the reason you are at this point? Nah that is just plain stupid. I’ve finally decided to say goodbye. And wash my hands of the pain that I was on the receiving end of it all. Now there is the love which is full of amazing intensity. You make him better and he makes you better. But to get to know him you have to know his bad parts also. All of them. And you love them before you love the good parts. In the end it’s all smoke. Everything goes up in flames. And the burns hurt like shit. You can’t do anything about the pain except bare it. There is nothing you can do. In the end only the ghost of the pain and scars are left. People don’t see them but you know exactly where the scars are and how the pain felt. Going through all this pain, brings you to a point where you are only a shadow of yourself. Believe me, there is nothing anyone can do about it. There is nothing someone can say to you to make it better. In the end you have to learn to love yourself. Have some time to yourself, pay attention to your needs and be selfish. It helps you get through the shit you have been through. Things don’t get better in one day. Even scars go away after sometime. But there comes a point in life when you have to learn to love yourself and be alone. That is the best thing you can do. Curl up and evaluate everything in your life. I did that. I took me a whole year. Another anniversary coming my way…. believe me this isn’t a sad post. This is a post full of victories. This is a post which is to celebrate the eight years that I was hurt and beat down. But I managed to find myself….. This post is about the devotion I gave to someone and got hit in the face and fell down face first in quick sand. From there I proceeded to sink into the sand. This is to commemorate the fact that I still believe in happiness and love. And that has what brought me to the last kind of love. The best of the lot, because you have learnt all the lessons in life regarding love. So this love is fun. It doesn’t consume you; it doesn’t leave you all ragged. Probably because the person on the other end has also been through hell. Whatever it is, this love is fun. You might not all be there. There are definitely pieces missing in you. But it’s all good. This love makes you happy, genuine happiness. There are things which might never be able to share with them. Many of your firsts, or moments of your life, or the pain you went through, you might not be able to be yourself. But that’s okay, since you know and they know that there are pieces of you missing. And you laugh the laughter which wasn’t there in your life for so long it comes back. Yes your mind does compare and contrast. And you do get pangs of pain. But dash it all I say. Things can’t all be perfect. In all my years I’ve learned that things can’t always be perfect. But then that’s the beauty of it all you strive for perfection. This is what makes it fun to be in this kind of love. You both know you’re broken so you tread carefully. You end up with a great mosaic of moments and feelings. You both learn to give the best of yourself. And all you have. This is what love is all about: being happy and finding happiness in someone else’s happiness. But yes it shouldn’t be at the cost of you as a person.