Life at the Moment

Hello to all my readers. Yes I have been away for a long time. It’s been some time now. But I really wasn’t up to my capabilities to write. Things were very haphazard. My dad wasn’t well and just came out of the hospital. Alhamdulillah he’s much better now. However, not out of danger yet.

It’s been a month since my birthday. I am now a whopping 24, much closer to 25 than I would like. I have no part of my life yet figured out. And it scares the shit out of me. There is nothing I can currently do to right the wrongs in my life.

In fact things were so far gone, that I took up smoking. I am currently trying to leave the thing before it gets out of my hands. Yes people who know me personally and read this will be highly disappointed to know this about me. Before they voice their concerns believe me I’m disappointed in myself more than they could ever be.

The thing about disappointment is that you have to live with yourself for a longer time than you have to live with someone else. If you aren’t happy with yourself, you can never make anyone else happy. My mood-o-meter is at an all-time negative. It’s like this funk that I haven’t been able to get out of at all.

Yes it has become really tiring for my readers to read all of my crap and my crap ass life. But hey this is about me and my crap life. I’ve found this really great guy. It’s not the weak in your knees love that I was looking for. I don’t think I can ever love like that again. But it’s a good comfortable love. I know where he stands, he knows where I stand. We both have been hurt badly in the past, so I don’t think it’s possible for us to hurt each other again.

But sometimes I just don’t know what comes over me. Just a small chat with the past makes me deliriously happy. I know I shouldn’t be….. It’s bad for me on different levels. But honestly I’ve come to terms with my past. I have now come to terms with whatever happened with me. I have now managed to let go of the bad memories and think only of the good. That helps a lot you know. It’s almost going to be a year now. I don’t think my past realizes it. Or probably it does. but yes I still haven’t had the chance to I don’t know……… explain to my past that it isn’t that easy to just let go. And under no circumstances is anyone allowed to think they know better for me.

I know my blog posts are nothing at all likes others’ posts. To be honest I started a blog thinking I could be funny….. Only to realize that I am not at all funny, its just toooooo much for me I guess….. Some people say I am funny. But I think they only say to me because they need something from me. Believe me I still haven’t believed the various men who call me pretty. I still think they were trying to get something from me.

Winters have always been the favorite time of the year for me. It has always held a lot of memories for me. This winter I plan on making memories only for myself. Where I’m the star and everyone else is just a supporting star. I don’t want to make anyone the star of my show anymore. People just don’t like staring and casting in a permanent role. And I’m tired of looking for replacements. So this year my New Year’s Eve and New Year will only star me.