Raising a Glass to All the Pain

So I know it has been some time since I lasted posted here. Yes I know some of you might be now tired of listening to me rant and rave about silly things. I mean people all around the world are dying; there is hunger, poverty and children dying all around me. Yet I refuse to think about anyone but myself. How selfish of me is that?

But what I have been through I have realized that at some point in our lives we have to think about ourselves. But I have been extremely silly in thinking life would be honky dory after everything. It’s true what they say, you don’t know what you’re capable of until you’re in the mess. You can’t possibly know that you can fight a storm and survive it until you do face a storm. So there’s that.

Now the reason for today’s post is the date today. It’s the thirteenth of September. His birthday. Yes, extremely juvenile I know but I can’t help it. I feel like I'm in mourning. Like someone has just died on me and there is nothing I can do about it. My friend has told me to go out and distract myself. I wish I had vodka so that I could toast in the solitary confinement of my room to his birthday.

I had imagined a lot of things for this day. When we were together. Birthdays are a big deal for me. I mean yes it comes every year and it only means you have one less year to live, but hey it’s a big deal. We survived another year. We are whole and hearty and there is basically nothing wrong with our lives. This is something worth celebrating. I feel sad I’m not able to or better yet allowed to wish him today.

I’m sure if I called he wouldn’t even bother picking up my phone. It will just end up hurting me. And to be honest I don’t have any rights to call him up and wish him. He made it clear that I had no place in his life and heart. So why feel the sorrow and pain that I am feeling right now? It’s simple; it was real love for me. It wasn’t just a passing fancy. I might have let him do what he wanted and take things at his pace. But I let him do that. I allowed that to happen.

Not because I wasn’t strong enough but because I was too deeply in love. I didn’t want anything to rock the boat we were on. I think he just kind of pushed me off the boat. There is nothing else to be said for it. I do wish for him to realize what he did was wrong. I really do. And I have all the faith in karma to help me. It might sound bitchy I know. But over the time I have let it be. I can’t be nice anymore.

Being nice is what got me into this mess. I should have realized it was too good to be true. There are no other words for it. I might not ever be able to forget about him. But I know for a fact that I will never be as gullible as I was. There will come a time when what I did and how I behaved will be for my benefit. But till now it’s all just pain and black vortex.

So here’s raising a glass to the guy I love and to the guy who hurt me. May you have a happy, healthy and a long life….. And I hope you get everything you want; out of the two of us one of us should be happy.