Burning Bridges

Look closely at the title that I have kept for this post, burning all bridges. You might wonder how someone can do that, burn all the bridges. Let me tell you how. In the last 48 hours I have managed to alienate and push everyone I know away. It might sound stupid. It really is not.

Let’s start from the beginning. The guy I keep pining about? If you have been reading my blog you will know what I’m talking about. He just refuses to get out of my head. I have been and come out of serious clinical depression because of him. I guess just as there is an age for binge drinking and all, there is an age for bearing loss and companionship. So yes I think I was past that age when he left.

His friend, best friend I might add was with me. With me in a weird way. We were friends yet not friend, not a couple. Yes it might sound weird and very bad. Extremely bad I might add. But that’s how it was. So he lied to me and I blew up. According to him it’s alright for him to lie to me because I’m just a friend.

How does that work I mean how can a guy expect a girl to be a part of something she doesn’t want to be? It might be argued that I could have said no. but then again please don’t forget that I’m a pushover, of the biggest proportions. And last night I just compounded my right to say no. like I had before and he didn’t listen and before that with the same result. So all in all last night I became the bad guy. And I pushed him completely away.

I really can’t take talking to him anymore. Why because he reminds me of his friend. All the time. Probably if he is out of my life I will be able to move on. At least that’s what I hope. I hate people leaving my life. I don’t like to wreck relations but sometimes I really can’t bear it. I don’t know which bare was to be used to please bear with me. Now coming onto another bridge.

My ex the one I keep pining about finally blocked me off of instagram also. Finally I say because he might have just recently realized that I was on his instagram. And did the deed. And that kind of threw me off the deep end. I mean how much can a girl take. I agree that you left me. I agree that we don’t have anything to talk about anymore. I agree that you’re a jerk. However, you don’t, and I mean this with the utmost sincerity, just wipe someone out of our life like that. So I decided that I should do my part in removing him from my life. I should just remove every bit of him I have in my life.

Another person who is very important to me had a birthday like three days ago. And being a fool that I am I wished them. However, I couldn’t do so one what’s app since they had blocked me. Why you might ask had I been blocked? Well because I wasn’t listening to them. And if we talk this certain someone starts getting attached. And since I don’t always listen to this person, they thought it alright to block me from what’s app.

Being the fool that I am I wished them their birthday via a text message. And lo behold I was unblocked from what’s app. However, I made it a point to ask them to relock me. Why because I have no need for people who are bloody mean to me. There is no way in hell I’m going to let people walk all over me anymore. Just because I don’t share the same ideas as you does not mean I don’t love you or care about you……

The word count now reads 666. Should I take it as a sign to stop with my ranting? I don’t think so. So I am going to forage on and brave the wrath of everyone I know. So another bridge, there is this guy who came after me. I liked him. So I talked to him. You have to understand that I like people who know how to talk. He was a ball of thorns. Not a furry ball of love. But a ball of thorns. Where if you hold the ball all you will be able to feel is pain and bleed. He has been left by his beau. And I get the pain that comes from being rejected in terms of marriage. I do.

But that does NOT in any circumstance make you eligible to fight with someone else and comment on their pain. You do not turn into a mean Scrooge of love and make everyone around you unhappy. I mean what the fuck is bloody wrong with you. How do you know that what you went through isn’t the same as what someone else went through? And since you don’t know, you do not have any rights to comment about it. So according to this Scrooge of love, women are the evil put on this earth to hurt men. Correction young sir, you are not familiar with every woman on this planet. There is no way in hell you can say what someone feels like or what they want from life.

You are not the authority on pain. Rather you are a comrade in main. You might feel some sympathy for the men who have been hurt. But you cannot discredit the women in pain. I’m not here to debate who gets hurt the most men or women. I’m just stating a fact: that both creatures are full of various feelings, both are capable of hurting and being hurt. So you do not reserve the right to say that the man I am in love with left me because I hurt him.

How can I fucking hurt a man who stood up and left? How can I hurt a man whose every word is still bloody etched inside of my brain? And furthermore how can I hurt someone who refuses to acknowledge I exist? I repeat I have been hurt, not the other way around. In a frenzy of furry I blocked him. From everywhere and why shouldn’t I? I deserve people who will like talking to me and not criticize me. I have had enough of that.

Now for the last two bridges. A friend of mine who I mentioned here before has deemed it fit to make assumptions about me and abandon me. It’s my ex all over again. And this time I didn’t run after the person. I have done enough running in my life to win a medal. But I made sure they know that they mean something to me before they close the door on me. And I miss my friend a lot. Can’t deny that even one bit. But to each their own I guess.

And the last bridge that I burnt was the guy who has been around since I was a kid. He has been my friend, my partner in crime and my lover. All in all he has fulfilled all the roles two people might be in. and last night I made it clear to him that he may never contact me again. I’m a true believer in the act of fighting. You don’t fight with people you don’t care about. You only fight with people you care about. And if you don’t feel like fighting then that should tell you something about the type of relationship you have.

I’m duly tired of men trying to act as if it all doesn’t matter. It does matter. Every action comes from a place of reasoning. Our brain is not wired to do things without any reason. So if you promise me something and go back on it that just means you don’t care enough to fulfill that promise. Or you don’t care enough to even remember your promise. There is no other way of saying it or explaining it.

If being a girl I can keep my word than a man who claims he wants to marry me should be able to keep his word. If he can’t then I really don’t get where you’re come from saying you want to marry me. I mean what you possible can mean when you say you want to marry me and then two seconds later go back on your word about something else. It just doesn’t work like that. I’m not a bank of forgiveness. Where you can come and deposit your sorry after being a dick to me and my feelings. How can I trust a guy who isn’t willing to give me time over his friends? How can I trust a guy who doesn’t realize what I’m doing for him?

I really can’t. There is not other way out of it. Breaking bonds which mean something to you is always tough. However it is a necessary evil. There are no way you can in a bond where you’re the giver and the other is a taker. I believe in equality in the marriage. I believe that love and commitment are given freely and not with any force. So I don’t plan on forcing myself on people who don’t want me around. Or want me around just for the time they are bored as fuck.