Tomorrow

So I have been away for quite some time. There was no post on new year's eve as is my norm. Neither was there one on my birthday or through one of the major changes which I just went through. But today, right now right here, I want to write. 

A friend once said to me, that once I actually fall in love, or have a partner, I won't feel the need to write. I wholeheartedly disagreed with him at that time. But then I realized he was right. However, on another note, I'm still single. The reason I have not been able to pen my thoughts, is simple: I don't feel the need to externalize my thoughts anymore. I am extrovert, turned into an introvert. My extrovert fights against it, but then I think that is what growing up is all about. 

Ok back to why I want to write today, so it will be a disjointed piece, hope it is not crucified. Its been a whole year to date, that my grandfather passed away. And I have been feeling his absence a lot recently. Probably because I am going through all these changes. Whatever it is, his absence is making me close myself up in the room and not pay attention to any of my responsibilities. 

Today, I don't feel like sleeping, talking, eating or being nice to anyone. I am generally a nice person, for which I got trashed recently, but moving on. I don't like being rude or mean or short tempered, it makes me physically ill. However, today and I am guessing Tomorrow is going to be an exception. 

Though out the many years, I have been able to be selfless. It might sound like hogwash, let me asure you dear reader it is not. I have managed to maintain this out worldly standard of selflessness. How you might ask, even I have yet to figure it out. Yes I sound pompous right now, but believe me I am kid you not. 

But for Tomorrow, I want it to be about me. Because for once I want someone to say its about you today. Speak and it shall be, within reasonable parameters. I have never had that, not a single friend or partner has ever made it about me. If you read a few previous posts of mine, you will know that I have put up with major shit. But today I want someone to go through shit, yes shit, for me. 

I sit sometimes and compose these tid bits of posts that I wish I had put up at that time. However, I am never one to cry over spilled milk. 

Tomorrow is the day when a year from now, my grandfather left us, to join our Creator. And I am extremely sorry to say, I have not been able to forgive whoever is responsible for it. He was fine, talking, walking, breathing on his own. He wasn't ill, He was able to do everything himself. Yet, he isn't here anymore. I believe it is after his departing that I have been able to actually see the world for what it is, a rude ass selfish place to be existing in. 

I mean it is basic human need to fulfill our desires and needs before anyone else's. Yes truth is a bitter pill to swallow and all that. But how do you justify a man who knows you for around ten years, talking shit to you right after you inform him that your grandfather has passed away. How do you justify a man you share every thought with, completely abandon you once you tell them that Tomorrow is the day. 

What I would like to know dear reader, is how is justifiable for every one but me to think about themselves. Yes I know it may sound petty..... But today I stand completely and totally alone. Not a single soul with me. My whole family is asleep, so are all my friends. I sit here thinking about how I will survive tomorrow without breaking down. 

I welcome any and all thoughts on how I might be able to cope with this loss, which I have yet to overcome. So Tomorrow is almost here and I dear reader have no place to turn to.