Like a Boss

Hey all long time no see... Missed you a lot. But things have been happening at my home. My father lost his job, he has been prescribed an operation of his knee (pls pray for him), and my uncle passed away. So it has been a tough week for me. I've been down in the dumps.

Now for the good news. My cousin had a baby boy, I finished my bachelors well almost and I made new friends. Throughout all this I only wanted to talk to one person. No one else sufficed. Isn't it silly? I have so many people in my life the. Why do I crave only one person? It's silly stupid and idiotic of me. I gues It wast mistake for being so blind. But we can't do anything about that now.

The title of this is dedicated to something that happened today, well lol also cause I'm watching an Indian film 'Boss'. For all those who are not familiar, pls refer to akshay kumar's movie 'Boss'. I'm sure you lot can find in it English subtitles. This movie is hilarious. I can't stop laughing. Also while I sit at home and watch this movie, my friend who I have met only recently is also watching it with me. So it's kind of even more funnier sharing it with him. This is just a ploy for me to try and forget things. It seems to be failing miserably.

I think I have depression. I have no real motivation to get out of bed, no real need of food, any social and human it reaction makes me cringe and I seem to be a leaky faucet. Which basically means I am crying continuously. My god what a downer I have become. Sorry for such a pathetic show of emotion. 

The movie just ended and we are now going to decide what to watch next. Lol. I am a person of faith. I have complete faith in many things. I don't question them, I don't argue with them, I let these faiths rule me. I'm not a devout Muslim, I don't say this with pride, I say this with the utmost regret. But I call things as they are. It might be bitter but taking a pill is always bitter. 

I'm like a recovering alcoholic, my mantra for the past three months 'one day at a time'. Pathetic no? And guess what, like every alcoholic I had a relapse last night. Oh the need of that drug was great!!!! I couldn't wait to taste it savor it and then enjoy the blis I got from it. Refraining from it was pure and utter torture. But like after every lapse you have to face the comsequences. The hang over, the lack of ability to move, the dull but steady beat of drums inside my head telling me I made a mistake. It's all there, in black and white as well as inside my head. 

I am so lame right I don't even know what I'm saying. I believe in karma. I know not many do, but karma is a bitch, or so I've heard. Today in the hopes of making me feel a little less like a loser my friend put it this way for me..... karmasutra: when life screws you in different ways you cant imagine. And it made me laugh!!! I have never had anyone put it so eloquently like that before. 

On to the next thought..... I have been called so many things in the past that I was sure I had a thicker skin now. It seems I don't... Infact I think our skin gets paper thin when it comes to our loved ones. Yes I use the word loved ones as it is the most appropriate of it all. And I don't want to talk of love in the past tense. It's not like it has died!!!! I have never ever ever loved someone so much as this. But it goes to show that I can't control love. Something about setting it free and shit.... Whoever came up with that should be thrashed senseless. I mean who the fuck wants to let their love fly freely? We the Pakistanis believe in grabbing onto the thing we love and never letting go. But we aren't taught how to let go of things. How to behave when ur not wrong yet you find yourself feeling like the victim of mass destruction. 

For some odd reason I can't seem to fight this bubble of pain that has envelopes me. I've been in pain for the last three months. Such pain that I thought that running away or killing taraf would be better. We humans are equipped with very any defense mechanisms, for both the body and the brain. However my coping skills have gone to shyt. I haven't slept for the better half of 3 months. 

I have been counting down the days when I would be able to look at my drug and feel it coursing through my veins again. I've become good at faking it. Infact I have become so good that I've even fooled myself sometimes. And I was stupid because even after all that happened I was counting the days on the calendar of when I could say we need to visit a doctor. Why because I'm stupid I care more about others than my health and safety. 

I care about the headaches and what they might mean. I'm worried about the job, I'm worried about the apparent insomnia, I'm worried about everything I can get my hands on and I'm worried about the future. 

Was I so stupid and unpleasant?