And Then There Were None

Over the course of my short short life, there has been one consistent behaviour I have had: to give love with all my heart. My dear readers, however small in number you are, thank you for always sticking around to read these musings of mine. 

I have had so many people come into my life that I have finally lost count. I don’t wish to keep count anymore also. Because I have finally come to the conclusion: I am what should matter to me. I am in no way capable of influencing someone’s decisions. 

But then again, why should I even try to influence someone’s decision? No one in this world is perfect, it is just how hard you are willing to work on yourself and your interactions with others. Or am I just an 80 year old in the body of a well kept 28 year old? 

Reflecting internally is something I pride myself in doing continuously. I always hear people out who have been around for an extended time period. Why not put it to good use? Some things I have been able to achieve; like my anger for one. Let me tell you it isn’t a fun thing. Becoming a detail oriented professional is something I’m still trying to do. 

But one thing I have never had any doubts about is my capability to love with the whole of my capacity and capability. I believe that no one is responsible for my experiences except myself. So anyone coming into my life shouldn’t ever suffer for those past mishaps. I once had a discussion which was on the merits and demerits of controlling the outcomes and reactions of people. 

I was of the belief that I am responsible for my actions. No action should be taken until and unless I’m sure of my strength to face any and all consequences. While the other person was of the belief that we should be able to predict reactions to such an extent that any and all actions are based on the sure knowledge of the outcome. 

But come one, is that even possible? How can we plan and predict to such an extent. Every interaction is a learning experience for me. And this time around I learnt not to blame myself. When I have to my full capacity given love, with an open heart, why should I ask myself what I did wrong. Communication is the key, right? Wrong. 

I may be willing to communicate but if the person infront of me doesn’t want to; I can’t do much about it. Hurting people has never been something I have been able to do. But yes probably because I don’t like hurting people I end up being hurt. It’s never less, though, the pain is always so shattering that I forget to breathe. 

The world stops and tilts on its axis. There is nothing in this world that comes close to the feeling of being in the dark. I have no idea where I started and where I’m ending this post. But I just needed to write out the pain in my heart, in my mind and in my soul which has been impacting me. 

I need to stop and take moments where I tell myself to breathe. Broken trust and a broken heart aren’t that easy to deal with. But as I get older, I realise that I can’t always make excuses on the other person’s behalf. I am a breathing being. I have emotions, dreams, aspirations. I am not someone to be trifled with at the cost personal whims.